Helpful hints to avoid a breakdown this week | Thebigtip

Let’s face it, Collingwood are leading the way.  Hot favourites to hold the Premiership cup aloft, and (I’m afraid to admit it) playing some attractive football.  With Victorian Premier John Brumby a Collingwood supporter and President Eddie McGuire set to be everywhere the state of Victoria; football fans throughout the country are set to be inundated with black and white fever.  While this will be absolute bliss for some of us, the rest of the country might need this handy guide to get through this next week.

Option 1 - Grab your passport, and head for the nearest International airport.  The first flight out of Melbourne after the Grand Final is to Los Angeles.  If you think there will be too many Collingwood supporters around Hollywood just head to the Tullamarine and board any flight to South America or Africa (although avoid Brazil)

Option 2 - Throw yourself into your work. Monday morning get to work, walk into the office and start working on all the items you have been putting off for months.  Avoid television, newspapers, radio and internet.  If you are lucky enough to have your own office plan ahead, and bring supplies to last the week (bottled water, snacks, canned goods etc), leave nothing to chance; you don't want to leave the office under any circumstances.

Option 3 - Declare to everyone that since Ross Oakley booted out (merged) Fitzroy, that you have lost all interest in football.  Warn colleagues that any talk of football will only make you more distraught, and that in the past you have only talked football to be accepted socially.

Option 4 - Subscribe to FOXTEL, but without the sports channels.  Start watching shows that you never have watched in your life.  You can keep up with the Kardashian sisters, become a masterchef or get yourself on the property ladder.  If you already have the sports package, immediately cancel this.  A home with no sport will leave a void in your life, but one cannot risk countless replays of a Collingwood premiership.

Option 5 - Remind yourself that it has only happened once in 20 years.  This maybe harder if you are a Bulldogs, Demons or Saints supporter but for the majority of supporters it may make you feel slightly better.  Try to go about life in a normal manner, and maybe take a close interest in the A-League, NBL, baseball or any other sport that isn't Australian Rules.

Option 6 - Give yourself a bout of food poisoning.  Head to your local kebab caravan or 7-11 and enjoy the culinary delights both have to offer.  This should at least get you out of the office for a few days.

Option 7 - If you are lucky to be the boss of a Collingwood supporter you have two options, transfer them or a leave without pay for a prolonged period of time.  If you are don’t have this option feel free to use one of the above six.

10 Alternate activities for Saturday afternoon.

1. Play a round of golf, you should be able to get a great tee time if you book early.

2. Visit Phar Lap's skeleton at the National museum

3. Start your Christmas shopping early - it’s less than 100 days away

4. Grab a few mates and go camping for the weekend

5. Take the family to Scienceworks for an enjoyable day out

6. Jump in the car and go for a drive

7. Take in the latest Hollywood blockbuster at your local cinema

8. Clean out the shed/garage who knows what you might find

9. Grab your favourite TV series on DVD and watch it from beginning to end

10. Go out drinking Friday night, only to return home in the early hours of Saturday morning, by the time you awake the game should finished, or you will be too hungover to leave your room

My tip - Collingwood 31 points, with Leon Davis asking to be traded to the Gold Coast