The Pulse Rd.15 - Screw you Match Review Panel | Thebigtip

So after legal battles (thank you Zarah Garde-Wilson for your support) and numerous appeals to the better nature of the MRP (perhaps I don’t look so great in a mini), I was handed a one week ban for tardiness in submission for my last article.

What does this mean for you? Well, you will get Round 14 and Round 15 updates in two articles published on the same date.

Confused? So was I when I saw Andrew McKay in 1997 at Melbourne University wearing a t-shirt that read “Sex Instructor – First Lesson Free”.

Anyways, I was in purgatory over the last week.  Some souls are not sufficiently free from the temporal effects of sin and its consequences to enter the state of heaven immediately, nor are they so sinful as to be destined for hell either. I would have said I was in limbo, but I would prefer to be in the lambada – the forbidden dance.

There has been some recent ballyhoo about the Gold Coast team and their new team name. They may go with the Suns. Well, that worked for Townsville in the NBL. I think that the GC team should honor their past and be called the Gold Coast Rollers from their NBL team circa 1992. Failing that, they could always be called the Gold Coast Meter Maids. Makes entertainment at half time quite easy to arrange, but there would be a lot of parking fines.

Just as long as they get the jersey right then I will be happy. I hope they do not hire the same designer that the Slovenian team used in the World Cup. Hello Charlie Brown.

Keeping on the quasi-Biblical theme – it was another great performance from Adam Goodes who has  been around since… well…. I think he has some explaining to do regarding apples. “No way! Yahweh!”

1    Geelong    = (1)    The form of Matthew "Charlie" Stokes leads me to believe that the high performance coaches at Bell Park should be lauded for getting him into form.

2    Western Bulldogs    + (5)    Like an awkward 13 year old boy growing into his disproportionate body, the Dogs forward line are slowly but surely matching their midfield. Hall and Grant are the ghost of Christmas Past and the Ghost of Christmas Future. We just need Brad Johnson to be wheeled out onto the ground to really get them over the next hurdle.

3    Collingwood    - (2)    Despite getting their passports confiscated at the South Australian border (nice try Willow), they managed to spoil the farewell of Mark Williams. Great way to honour an ex-captain!

4    St Kilda    - (3)    Oh please. The drama queens of the AFL are now sooking about the state of the ground at the Gabba. Wait until they play a match in Chennai at the Brabourne Stadium in 45 degree heat - that is where Dean Jones scored a double ton!

5    Hawthorn    - (4)    Buddy had the chance to do a Malcolm Blight. No, not call someone a rats-tossbag on national TV… But alas his kick drifted worse than a Sticks helicopter.

6    Sydney    + (7)    Media reports reckon that Paul Roos and his dummy spit after the Richmond loss were the basis of Mel Gibson's next screenplay.

7    Fremantle    - (6)    This was Round One A.B. Adam McPhee was valiant in trying to fill in for Barlow, but I am afraid that he cannot turn back time to 2003 every week.

8    Richmond    + (10)    Some of the Tiger fans are now talking finals! That is showing more front than the chick from Paraguay. Dancing Danny Connors was freed from his nemesis Benny Cousins and tore up the field.

9    North Melbourne    = (9)    Surprising that Brad Scott sent out Drew Petrie and admitted afterwards that he was unfit. I just always thought he was a spud.

10    Adelaide    + (13)    Big risers this week. They have now won 4 from 5 and are ready for a BIG run home. I also predict that Andrew McLeod will poll well…. In the Magarey Medal.

11    Carlton    - (8)    Judd cannot do it all on his own. If you turn up to the party without any help, bad things happen. Just refer to Herman Rockefeller.

12    Melbourne    = (12)    A feel-good performance. Sylvia and Jurrah back in. First win since May. Buller and Falls Creek were rocking last weekend.

13    Brisbane    - (11)    Voss has stated that he is willing to have the Lions play matches in Hobart. Anywhere he can avoid the spotlight of his horrible coaching and recruitment. Next stop Kangaroo Island.

14    West Coast    + (15)    This team has suffered more crashing defeats than the 2010 Tour De France. Le Cras is Le Inconsistent.

15    Port Adelaide    + (16)    Primus was only good for the album "Pork Soda" and the song "Wynona's Big Brown Beaver". Great bass player. Unproven as a coach.

16    Essendon:    - (14)    The Essendon Players are revolting. We have known that since Tony Antrobus and Courtney Johns were playing.

KING FOR A DAY:

(to the tune of You Can’t Touch This)   
“Stop Jamar time.
Why would he ever stop doing this, when other ruckmen struggle and suffer form dips.
He's been around the world - from Manuka to S.A.
It's Jamar, go Jamar, Mark Jamar, go Jamar, and the rest can go in shame, you can't tap this.”

FOOL FOR A LIFETIME:
Gary Ablett Jr:  Great, let's see you have a prime-time special where you decide whether you play for Gold Coast, Geelong or perhaps the Miami Heat to team up with LeBron, Bosh and Wade. Publicity hound.