The White Mamba: NBA Season Preview - Where Dannii Minogue Happens | Thebigtip

"Boomshakalaka and Hakuna Matana".        

Yes the mating call of NBA tragic is being heard across globe as we embark on the NBA season proper this week.       

Real NBA geeks have been scanning box-scores since the July the 5th when the Vegas Summer League kicked off, barely a fortnight after the Lake Show took their talents to ummm…. LA and beat the C's. One week later Ron Ron released Champion. Bear witness to the greatest film clip since Window Licker by Aphex Twin.

   
Some off-season observations       
·    Taking my talents to South Beach has now taken #1 spot in the euphemism department. Shaking hands with the unemployed is still a worthy contender.       
·    Anthony Tolliver's piss-take of the Decision has earned him a spot in the Sporting Comedy Hall of Fame. Having the moxi to produce his own special on his move from Golden State to the T-Wolves was genius.        
·    For comedic gold, although Artest thanking his shrink was wonderful, I still contend that Jeff Van Gundy is by far the funniest individual associated with the association - "All I know is that it takes 5 minutes for me to get a haircut and I still get charged full price, that is wrong on so many levels, boutique take notice"       
·    Artest being given the key to Las Vegas is like Tiger Woods being given an invite to the Playboy Mansion.       
·    Kevin Durant and the Redeem Team played the World Tournaments in Turkey with panache and flair. Now it seems that AI will be headed to Istanbul to end his professional career there. Holla at my boy Marbury in China, another ex-all-star that does not understand the words "graceful retirement"       
·    Hedo still looks like a lazy goofball. I think I was served pizza by him the other week. Needless to say, the pizza was delayed and the order was incorrect and he also spent most of the time sitting down at the end of a bench.       
·    Sasha Vujacic got engaged to Maria Sharapova. He joins Marko Jaric (Adriana Lima), Lamar Odom (Khole Kardashian), Tony Parker (Eva Longoria) in the Rick Fox / Vanessa Williams Hall of Fame for getting it done on and off the court. Honorary mention to my deceased main man Eddie Griffith who was dating adult film star Mary Carey.

This week I will be providing the first of my monthly rankings of the association. Also because of my continued lust for Dannii Minogue, I will be providing an X-Factor player for each team.                

1     LA Lakers    
Additions of "Shake and Blake" and Barnes will make these guys a monty for the 3-Peat that Pat Riley never had. This year may be the first year we see Jack Nicholson wear his pyjamas to a match and get away with it.
X-Factor: Phil Jackson's whistle. He is the only guy who can make this team mesh.

2    Boston Celtics    
One more year for them before the retirement homes beckon. Love what they have done by getting in Shaq and Jermaine O'Neal. With Pistol Pierce, Sugar-Ray and Rajon all in their starting line-up, all things being equal (which is an economics term that I learned in 2001 but has no relevance to me anymore) these guys are good enough to beat the East.
X-Factor: Delonte West is an X-Factor even when he is not playing basketball.