Sporting Frustration | Thebigtip

I have to make an apology. I am not in the best of moods writing this piece. But it is not my fault, because the last few weeks I have been sucked in once again to irrelevant sporting events and the frustration builds up so much that one has to vent.

The original point of staging sporting spectacles way back when cavemen hurled rocks at other rocks (or whenever State of Origin is held, depending on your view) was to pit athletically skilled participants against one another and to entertain the crowd. In recent times a third reason can be added, to make money.

And it is within that last category two recent sporting events fall, for they do not have anything to do with skill or entertainment.

Firstly the French Open tennis tournament. It is a Grand Slam, thus one of the four pinnacles of the sport and supposedly the ultimate melting pot where heroes are made.

Now I must admit I am not tennis’ number one fan, I find watching it on television as painful as me giving birth (and I am male). Going to a game is worse, you cannot cheer at the times fans are supposed to cheer, you can hardly see the ball from the cheap seats and the only tension a tournament has is when a Cypriot plays a Greek or some petulant mummy’s boy launches a volley at a linesman. (I know if I copped one of those the next one is called “out” no matter where it lands.)

Yet Wimbledon, apart from the history and the custom of white clothing, offers, dare I say it an exhilarating spectacle. There is no one way to win the tournament, whether it serve and volley or base line power. The player does not have to be a huge-serving giant, genetically modified by an evil step-father intent on world destruction.

And the fans get to see the best players because it is survival of the fittest. Combine that with a different surface, which deteriorates rapidly the second week and a setting nice and cosy the tournament provides a winning combination.

The US and Australian Opens are very similar to each other as far as I can see, but at least in Australia we can expect a fainting episode due to the heat and in America the crowds behave like they are supposed to - by ignoring the rules. (The Arthur Ashe stadium was once described as a cauldron, something I would never have thought used to describe tennis.)

But what does the French Open offer? A red clay surface is all I can come up with as a positive. It is certainly different than the others. But the surface is actually what is wrong with the tournament. Tennis on clay is more boring than a budget speech, or worse, it is like being one of those poor journalists locked away hours before the budget is announced so they can read through the documents in time to report on it.

The two real reasons for sport, players and spectators, suffer because of it. Not only does one type of athlete win this event, the skill involved in achieving success is half of what is needed on other surfaces. It resembles highly skilled players having a quick warm up before the real stuff happens.

The wow factor only occurs when we add up all the elongated baseline rallies and proclaim “wow, that is a lot”. And with that form of entertainment for the crowds it renders the whole French Open experience redundant. It robs them of seeing a classic era of players actually play great tennis.

They should discard the event or revolutionise it. Maybe with a couple of pot holes strategically placed up both ends we may get more of a spectacle. The players then could actually aim for something and show their skill and the crowds could wake up from their slumber and watch some uneven bounces. Either that or play at night, no lights, but with glow in the dark balls. Hand out some hallucinogens to the crowd and everyone could have a great time.

The other sporting farce that has occurred the last week or so is in the most glamorous sport in the history of man. No it is not the cheese rolling championships, but Formula One racing.

I must dip my beret to the officials who, in a Machiavellian attempt at improving humanity, have reverted back to communism as the ultimate way of conducting a sporting event. That is the only way racing in the Monaco Grand Prix can be described.

Let me first state that this event would be on the wish list of anyone who was serious about sport and who could afford it. Apart from the well-executed party atmosphere, the unbelievable venue, the star spotting opportunities, and the gorgeous grid girls (please take note Indian Premier League), the chance to watch the race from a swimming pool perched four stories above the track is irresistible.

But it is the racing, or lack of it, which lets the whole experience down.

Apart from Sebastian Vettel winning everything, this season has produced some great racing and epic finishes. The introduction of the DRS system, the will it / won’t it KERS system and the Pirelli tyres, have made the races action packed from start to finish.

Then come along Monaco and all of a sudden we witness a train track. Everyone was rendered even. Like the principality itself, the Grand Prix is now out of touch with the real world.

The only way to overtake in this race is to do what Lewis Hamilton did and ram past and hope your car survives the impact. In fact these instances proved the real highlight of the event: the post-race interview by the Englishman, who hinted that the officials were racist for penalizing him for his indiscretions. Apart from him being wrong – he broke the rules twice, he surely insulted his mother.

But Hamilton’s frustration can be understood simply because he crashed into two cars that he has lapped every other race. Simply, the race was flawed.

It could have been anything if staged on another track; Sebastian Vettel, slowing dramatically, was trying to hang on with old tyres, the erratic Fernando Alonso was getting frustrated and thus ready to try a million to one passing maneuver, Jensen Button, the notorious non-overtaking driver, was scorching up behind them; and Webber was fastest on track a few seconds back ready to pounce on any mistake of the top three. However it ended in farce because all Vettel had to do was drive in the middle of the track. End of race.

A way to solve the problem is to make it an exhibition race at the start of the year. I do not think anyone in their right mind would want to scrap it, the spectacle is irreplaceable. Maybe if the cars were reduced to go-carts we could get some over taking, or the drivers are made to change their own tyres we could get some real race-day entertainment and driver skill. But something has to change, the race is holding back some potential glory years for the sport.

Apart from those two world sporting conundrums there are some much smaller irritations that need to be fixed swiftly.